No Fight Left
by HoneyLissaBee
Summary: Oneshot. Ellie Nash has been clean from cutting for nearly five years, but that doesn't mean things have been easy. She's found new ways of coping, and it terrifies her. When her worst nightmare becomes a reality, she is tired of fighting everything. Rated T.


**Author's Note:**_ This comes from a previous story that I wrote a few years back. To be honest, I haven't seen _Degrassi Goes Hollywood_ in a few years, so I'm pretty rusty on the details. _

No Fight Left

She would never actually admit it- not in group therapy, not to Ashley, not to Marco, not even in her own journals- but she _finally_ understood why her mother turned to those bottles for comfort. It was an escape. It was her way out of life- out of the pain and loneliness she suffered.. She could drown herself, and for a moment, she'd be free.

Her mother's escape was in a bottle- or two, or three. In grade 10, Ellie Nash found her escape in another way- a way that left both physical and mental scars.

She had been clean for nearly five years. The date she started and the date she stopped were both engraved in her mind. Some days were easy. At first, even a few minutes without cutting seemed like an eternity, but things changed. Sometimes, she went weeks- even months- without thinking about it. She finally stopped _needing_ to wear rubber bands on her wrists somewhere around grade twelve.

Her scars had faded- enough that she no longer felt the pressure to hide behind long sleeves. Leaving behind the rubber bands and the sleeves- both huge steps in her recovery. Still, even a non-conformist like Ellie Nash couldn't help worrying about what others thought. On those days when she was particularly struggling, she became slightly self-conscious of her scars.

She paced back and forth in the sand, not seeing the sun setting over the Pacific Ocean. All she could do was cry as she tried to breathe. Her mother and father were both back home- in Toronto- in another country. She hadn't seen either of them in a while, but it was her own doing.

Not seeing her father broke her heart. She was fifteen when he was shipped off for a six-month "peace keeping" mission in Afghanistan. Six months became seven, eight, nine. Five years.

He _promised_ everything would be okay. He _promised_ that her mother was better.

The airplane had barely taken off when Mrs. Nash pulled out the first bottle of the night.

He also _promised_ time and time again that he would be there to see her graduate from high school.

He couldn't make it.

She never told him about what happened after he left. He didn't know that her mother's drinking spiraled out of control. He didn't know that she spent the past five months in therapy to deal with an addiction to cutting. He didn't know that she spent nearly a month living with her, now ex-boyfriend, Sean Cameron in grade eleven, and another four months living alone after he moved back to Wasaga Beach after Rick Murray brought a gun to school.

She never stopped worrying about her mom- especially now. Caroline Nash finally went to rehab, and had been sober for more than two years, but things had changed. With her father hospitalized for post-traumatic stress disorder, Ellie feared that her mother had relapsed.

She didn't want to be around for that. She didn't want to see her father- her hero- in that condition. She wasn't sure if she was strong enough this time.

All she wanted was control. All the people she ever loved were gone- in some way or another. Her first real crush, Marco, was gay. Then, there was Sean who left Degrassi after the shooting. Left her with a rent she couldn't afford. Truth be told, she always knew he wasn't over Emma Nelson. She had no hope with Craig Manning. She threw herself at him over and over again- only to have Craig pick someone-or some_thing_- else every time. Her most recent ex, Jesse, was out of her life. Their relationship had always been rocky. He always recovered well. They broke up for a short time in her first year of University and he wasted _no_ time falling for Paige Michalchuk. The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was when Ellie walked into Jesse cheating on her with her former mentor, Caitlin Ryan.

Even her parents left her- physically or emotionally. Marco and Ashley were her best friends, but they never could give her the love that she really needed. Besides, things were different. Ellie was always the strong one in the relationship. Ashley was the kind of person to change for others. When she became friends with Ellie, she took on a goth style. When Ashley started dating Craig, her style morphed to more of a "rocker chick" style.

Ellie was tired of being the strong one. She was tired of being the rock.

She learned to cope- or so she thought. She needed control. All her life, she watched things fall apart. Her heart had been broken again and again. There was nothing she could do about it. Just like there was nothing she could do it 'fix' her dad.

She felt stupid. Stupid for feeling like she needed to cut to cope with her problems at home while her father was watching people die. Stupid that she was feeling hurt and scared as her father sat in the hospital.

She couldn't face him. He could _always_ see right through her, and he'd know how broken she really was. Her trials were miniscule in comparison, however, and she did _not_ deserve to feel that way.

She looked out onto the vast sea, shaking her head as she forced a smile. Her greatest fear had become a reality. Though she wanted to cut again, something kept her from going back there. Instead, she followed in the footsteps of her mother. She had always been told alcoholism was hereditary. Every time she would want a drink, Marco would bring it up.

Though her judgment was clouded by the alcohol, she knew full well that she didn't know how to swim. She didn't care. No amount of drinking, nor cutting, would be enough to provide an escape. She was tired of fighting.

She let the black shawl she wore around her shoulders fall onto the sand as she released the near-empty bottle from her hand. Then, she stepped down towards the ocean until could see where the waves surrounding her.


End file.
